Uncertainty

 

    There is one aspect of reality that is personally very unacceptable and unsettling. You can become many things and improve many others, but of all the paths you can take in life, they will always be uncertain. Especially when you have just entered your 20s. Being a young woman means being bombarded every moment by societal, familial, professional, and emotional expectations, and I could go on forever with these categories. Coexisting with these perceptions while still having to develop your sense of self feels like a tightrope, and you have just shat yourself. Better yet, your period is flowing down your leg, and you are wearing white shorts. If anything, the uncertainty of life obligates us to have it all together constantly because the slightest detour can become life-shattering. Soon, you become so preoccupied and panicked that every tiny moment of your existence feels life-changing because it must always fit into a bigger picture of your life path or your personality. Sometimes, impulsively going out with friends can feel like a soft glare on the spirit. Other times, it actually means that your sense of self-control is completely disrupted by your subconscious need for approval. How to tell one from another? Is it all like that? Do they coexist? How to be better? There is so much information and noise coming from outside. Noise that you cannot internalize, even though you keep repeating it in your mind. It really feels like that popular saying "the energy that you attract in life is what you need the most." While in the middle of uncertainty, you look for stability everywhere else and, in fact, become applied and secure. You keep your job, a small handful of good friends that remind you of all the fun stuff you lived in the past; university is still interesting, studying is satisfying, and you can build a career. But suddenly, it feels boring. The stability built to mask uncertainty can't handle the job, and now you are numb. Non-participative. Tight up. Panicked. Scared. The moment there is nothing else falling apart, you get to pay attention to yourself. Once you develop some sort of noise blockage, you listen to your own. And it can be scary sometimes. Facing parts of yourself that are so easy to hide when you just look around and there’s something else that needs to be fixed. People go on like this for years. They make themselves busy with work, marriage, relationships, friends, art, music, ideas, religion, children, only to hide themselves from the tremendous thoughts that are going through their minds. It never stops until you do. Most people are not willing to do it; most don't even know they could. But what I am saying here is, in fact, representative of this group of people. I get it. To balance it all, it is not easy, and you can damn well just go do something else. But we, intense people, don't get the same opportunity, and I have to say, it does feel good to know. It is a choice to live an intense life, and once you get there, it is hard to leave. For what it's worth, we are all testimonies of uncertainty in this life: your whole lifetime can be the same, and you can feel the grandiosity of existence in the palm of your hand. From the most intense person in the room to the least, we all deal with it. I believe that it is one of those universal experiences that humble a human being and make us become better every day, one way or another. At the end of the day, it is what keeps us going forward at all costs. Uncertainty is a blessing in disguise. We have all heard that "anything can happen!" as to why being cautious, preoccupied, prepared, secured, scared, humbled. However, when you genuinely have nothing too big to worry about, don’t settle because, in fact, anything can happen.